Man Up!

CLOCK PHOTO / NINA WEINSTEIN

Kyle O'Neill, the coordinator of the SAGE Center, spoke to a group of Mary Lyon Hall residents about the "boy code" and how it affects society's views of masculinity. His talk centered around the idea that, from a young age, boys are told how they are supposed to act, and how unfair these standards can be.
He started out the event by giving the audience four rules to follow: engage, confidentiality, step forward step back, and speak from experience. From there, he dove into his topic.

The "boy code" is something that kids learn when they are young. It teaches that being different makes one an outsider, and how sensitivity and vulnerability can be a bad thing. The "boy code" is made up of four tenants: the Sturdy Oak, Give ‘em Hell, the Big Wheel, and No Sissy Stuff.
The Sturdy Oak stresses how important it is for men to not ask for help or show pain. They should only be willing to show their strength. It is frowned upon for men to be sensitive.

Give ‘em Hell refers to the extreme daring that is expected of boys. An example of this, O’Neill mentioned, was called tombstoning. Boys put on wetsuits and jump from as high on a cliff into water as they can. This is more common in Europe than in the US. Boys are also expected to be into sports and action movies and dare each other to do crazy, stupid things.

The Big Wheel is about the need to “strive to be the best you possibly can,” said O’Neill. Men are expected to always be the top in their field. That is evident from the number of male executives there are in comparison to female.

Kids are also taught that men cannot show too many feminine characteristics. This is the No Sissy Stuff part of the "boy code." Boys are put in a gender straitjacket. If a male is said to be displaying feminine qualities, “your respect as a guy is destroyed in that moment,” said O’Neill. 

O’Neill then handed out a worksheet that asked for examples of when the guys in the room either represented one of the four tenants or acted against it. In discussing the various situations, the men in the room began to realize the reasoning behind some of their actions. It was pointed out that participating in Give ‘em Hell could end up interfering with the success of the Big Wheel. No Sissy Stuff may also factor into Give ‘em Hell because boys feel the need to affirm their masculinity if it is called into question.

What conclusions can the male gender draw from this discussion? It’s important to cut down on the constant dares to do so many stupid things and support one another. O’Neill wanted to stress the importance of not listening to those who call themselves "men’s rights activists." These groups generally try to put down feminism, which isn’t the problem that needs to be addressed.

This talk is so important for boys to hear because “they are fed a whole bunch of messages from when they are younger” and “no one is telling them they can step outside of these rules,” said O’Neill. His focus is to make boys acknowledge the messages they were given as children and try to explore how they can break free of these expectations in order to cut down on the stereotypes that society openly accepts.