Recently, a weather researching station positioned in the far northern reaches of the Canadian Arctic circle released research detailing dire changes in the weather patterns of North America. Dr. Resimwons, from the institute of Global Weather Research in Hiktoun, Kansas, has been studying this phenomenon for the last twenty years, and states that a new ice age is about to hit the extreme reaches of North America.
With the recent glacial movement in Antarctica, many in the scientific community are worried. “This changes all of the current theories on glacial movement. The effects of this phenomenon are apparent—even in our everyday lives,” Resimwons said. “Earlier and longer winters have been experienced all over the world. What’s more, I predict that it will only get worse.”
Guy Jean Jean-Jaques Lafleur, a local resident of someplace in Canada, responded on the recent news. “I don’ know, eh. I tink dat dis will extend the hockey season, you know? Hey, that is good for my Ottowa Senators, eh! Where is my Labatt’s Bleu you hoser, eh?”
Other recent unfounded reports have told of wild roaming packs of polar bears and—oddly enough, since they aren’t residents of the north—penguins making their way down the eastern coast of Canada toward Maine. “I hate them darn bears,” Cleatith Pickup yelled between smoking blasts from his shotgun. “They ate two of my dogs and stole my wife’s negligée. But, those penguins are the cutest things I have ever seen—I can walk like a penguin.” Spokespersons from the Coca-Cola company reported that they have pulled their cute fuzzy ads with giant Polar bears drinking out of coke bottles, due to the number of children who have been swallowed while trying to hand the ravenous bears a tasty beverage.
As worry over the possible consequences of the new ice age runs rampant, Dr. Resimwons tried to ease concerns. “Well, if you really think about it, what are you losing? The glacier will wipe out all life in Canada and the northern U.S. We will all miss Canadian beer, to be sure. But, what the hell has Vermont or New Hampshire ever done? All they have are snow and cows.”
While the great icy mountain of death creeps ever closer, there is one question that looms on everyone’s mind: Will Princess Amidala and Darth Vader actually get it on in the new Star Wars movie?