Early this Friday morning, members of the Plymouth Police Department served a warrant to the organization known on campus as The Clock for alleged gun smuggling, and prostitution charges. Busting in with new guns blazing Skippy Waterchestnut, a rookie officer, proceeded to shoot holes in a new printer, a sofa, and a Mr. Potato-head light bright set (bastards-Ed.). After a collective “Yee-haa” from the gathered officers, the members of the Clock staff, realizing their dilemma, charged the officers with weapons made of PVC and foam. Luckily for the Plymouth Police most of the editors of The Clock had been unaccustomed to any sort of physical activity (any at all) and fell to the floor clutching their chests with great heaving breaths.
In the ensuing melee Seth Owen Perdue was gunned down while chanting along side felow Clock staffers. Reportedly Biff Bigmember the officer responsible for the shooting thought they were involved in some Alcheida / Plymouth plot. “We burst into the back room in their office and found these people sitting around in a circle chanting mao, mao, mao. It was disturbing, they had a strange glare in their eyes,” reported the officer. I regret what I did, but then again these people are freaks.” Seth Owen Perdue was shortly after was brought to the Plymouth hospital where he was pronounced dead on arrival. To the fright of his mortician Seth arose on the seventh day. The Clock staff gave thanks and praise and he is now seated at the right hand of Mr. Warton.
Pat McGowan an editor and hardcore pimp for the organization responded in his defense. “Hey man we got into that prostitution thing for legal reasons. We had no choice. I mean student senate gave all the money to athletics. Beside who want to watch some professional foozeball player who’s salary exceeded that of Warton? Really how many people can watch a foozeball game anyhow. Its not financially sound.” After telling Pat foozeball is not really considered a sport he responded with “Oh” and kicked this reporter in the shins and walked away.
Rob Masse, Editor and chief of the paper, had little to say as he had a gun barrel in his mouth and a tear in his eye. Before having a tragic sneezing fit he made this final statement. “Mwaaa mmnnaaa mmwwwer mama nwucc numnuÔ Rob’s funeral will be held on Tuesday.
Other members of the staff stood up for their actions. DJ McLaughlin, an Editor Emeritus, had this to say: “We ran guns to get some excitement into the town of Plymouth. After all we are a newspaper, you know? We need stories week to week and well, Plymouth is a boring little town. I mean how long do you think we can complain about parking?”
All members of the staff have been remanded into custody upon a sanity hearing. We pray for their immortal souls.