A few weeks ago, when I made a request to a couple of relatively young teenagers dressed in oversized black, baggy clothing and liberally decorated with a variety of facial ornamentation, replete with adolescent grimaces, I was struck.
Being struck, while being vaguely outrageous, may not be an entirely unexpected outcome in this scenario. However, what was quite a surprise was that I was not struck with fists, or skateboards, or blackjacks, rather I was nearly beaten back by the young gentlemen’s courtesy.
“Oh, excuse me, sir,” said one lad. “Pardon us – have a good day, sir,” quipped the other. I stared at these two kids, individuals who perfectly fit my image of an expectedly angsty, rude, even profane or violent interaction, quietly thanked them, and went home with my mind in a muddle.
Question the first – Do I really look old enough to be treated with respect?
Question the second – Why had I almost innately anticipated an unpleasant interaction with those kids?
Question the third – Why are most of us genuinely surprised or even put-off by civility and courteous conduct?
To the first query, as in so many other things – well, yes and no. No, I certainly do not look that old, thank you all so very much! I am not middle-aged; I am not a parent; I am not exactly one of the village elders. I am just your average young man – which begs the question, am I old enough to be treated with respect? Well, what is the age prerequisite, and, for that matter, who is making the call?
Why did it never occur to me that those kids would be so polite? Firstly and unfortunately, like most people I’ve met – I’m relatively judgmental based on appearances. The great majority of us do this. It is the common, almost unconscious method of gathering information about our social environment and acting accordingly. We look around at our peers, strangers, even friends and family, and we carry expectations based on visceral input. Is it normal? Sure. Is it ethical? Probably not.
I saw a pair of teenagers dressed in baggy, black clothing with florescent hair and metal in their mugs, and I assumed that they were saying to the world, “Damn the man! Matter of fact, damn the woman! Hell with it, damn you too, man!” Instead, I got civility and admirable behavior, and I was astonished.
The most upsetting aspect of the whole sordid affair was that I was equally surprised at having my judgmental expectations rammed up my nose with an “Oh, pardon me, sir,” as I was to have someone be overtly polite and respectful. Are we not, as a modern, socially minded, unprejudiced, morally equivocal American society, a good old New England town, are we not polite and courteous? Based on my observations following what is supposed to be regular behavioral fare from “a couple of punk kids,” astoundingly and resoundingly – no. We are not a polite people, by and large, and it shocks us, even angers us when we are struck unexpectedly with an “Oh, pardon me.”
As it was put in a recent article by Heidi Muller, relationship correspondent to www.askmen.com, ” because common courtesy don’t exist as much anymore, it makes us suspicious when we do receive kind gestures from others, and we assume kindness is part of someone’s ulterior motives.”
A local research group who chose to be left anonymous conducted a study recently. They held open doors for forty people, three times each day for one week. With three people in the research group, they held open doors from approximately 2520. Out of over two thousand gestures of politeness, they received a mere thirty-four thank-you’s. In fact, one member, a man, was even chastised at considerable volume by a woman for being “a sexist bastard,” as she found him to be insinuating that she could not, or should not, open the door herself.
In a grocery store, recently, a young woman sneezed, and when a good friend called out, “gesudheit,” she was given a glare that could easily have withered the produce section. When later on she, herself, gave a sneeze – silence there, and nothing more.
The first evening I worked with a particular supervisor at a previous job, I was literally screamed at for my “attitude problem,” which she defined as “being too polite.” In the nearly three years I worked with her, I can’t recall a single instance in which she was genuinely respectful of a student, patron or employee.
People don’t wait their turns at four-way stops, and right-of-way is simply out of the question. Fools on cellular phones squawk obnoxiously in otherwise quiet libraries. Sales clerks are becoming out-and-out barbarians, and profanity and general rudeness saturate our social interactions with the god-like force of pervasion – all the world’s a truck stop, and we are coming home.
According to People Say You’re Rude, published in the NY Times on April 3, “A full 79% of the 2013 adults surveyed by telephone in January by the research group Public Agenda said a lack of respect and courtesy in American society is a serious problem.” Personally, I am inclined to agree. Common courtesy is a mighty rare thing, and what are you going to do about it, huh, punk?