You may be asking why I’m in the features section this week instead of A&E. Well that’s because I was asked to discuss something for Christmas. I was asked to talk about Christmas specials and movies. To make it more unique, I decided to talk about the weirder specials and movies that I watch every year. As such, here are a hand full that I watch each year:
Santa Claus: The title seems innocent enough but it doesn’t talk about the things in this version. Santa in this movie lives in space and has racially diverse children make his toys for him. He looks at children with a telescope with an eye on it to determine of they’ve been good children. He also has robot reindeer that have a creepy laugh and Merlin likes to help from time to time, however Santa has an enemy. Down in Hell, Satan doesn’t like Santa and sends a demon named Pitch to deal with him.
This movie seemed to have been made on the idea of trying to make something interesting for kids. However, this is just so far out in left field that it’s a wonder that anyone would finance it. Seeing Santa fighting the forces of Satan is weird enough without Santa himself being creepy. Most of the hysterics come from the beginning of the movie when your shown a nightmare world of what someone thought Santa’s workshop looked like.
Santa Conquers the Martians: The children of Mars are interested in human television which they pick up on their televisions. It’s soon found that some the children are always depressed and no one knows why. The eldest Martian however, has an answer, it’s because Mars doesn’t have a Santa Claus. A mission is made to take Santa to Mars but they don’t know the real Santa from a Mall Santa but soon find the real Santa. However, one Martian doesn’t like Santa and actually tries to kill him. Santa, along with two kids who stowed away on a ship, must bring joy to Martians in face of the adversity.
I originally saw this on Mystery Science Theater 3000 but it doesn’t need that series for it to be bizarre. With Martians looking like green people in silly helmets and suits, they are really hammy, especially the grating funny Martian. One of the guns that the Martians use are literally a toy painted that blows air. It’s also filled with weird acting moments like when Mrs. Claus yells for no reason. By the way, Santa doesn’t conquer the Martians for those who are curious but it’s still a thrill to watch. I suggest watching the normal version or the MST3K version.
Santa Claus and the Ice Cream Bunny: Santa is left stranded in Florida and is slowly sweating to death due to the heat. He could take off his coat but the script didn’t say so, he instead comes up with a stupid plan. He calls children to him using a siren song for them to help him. They grab different animals which include a sheep, a pissed off pig, and a Gorilla (which is plan A by the way). Will Santa be able to get back to the North Pole in time or will he become a bloated corpse on the beach?
The version I watch is from Rifftrax which is an absolute hoot. However, this movie is actually a two for one deal. In the middle of the movie, Santa starts telling the story of Thumbelina which is longer than the Santa story. The film was made at a defunct amusement park called Pirates World, as shown in the credits for the Thumbelina story. Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn also watch from afar with no explanation.
Santa in Animal Land: In Animal Land, there is no Santa for them. They go to the North Pole to talk to Santa. Eventually one of the animals is made into the animal Santa. That’s it, there isn’t a lot to this short, however there are striking things about this. This is a horrifying short in that it’s used with hand puppets that look absolutely ugly. The frog is especially horrifying as it speaks like Cartman if he smoked ten cartons a day. The puppets look like they haven’t had a good wash in a long time. It’s funny however to make fun of since it barely even tries to be a full story.
You may look at this list and wonder where to get these movies and these movies are actually public domain. That means that they’re easy to find on the internet or in cheap DVD sets. This isn’t to say that I don’t watch the regular movies, these are great to spice up your Christmas and make you laugh.