Hey everyone. I start this column on a sad note. As many of you have probably heard by now, Layne Staley, singer, frontman and genius of Alice in Chains, died late last week. Only thirty-four, he succumbed to what is believed to be a drug overdose. Too bad, he was a great talent and I will really miss his incredible voice and songwriting. I was hoping AIC would get back and record a new album some day; guess it will never happen. What the hell is wrong with this guy’s friends and family? Did they totally give up on his recovery? How come nobody ever forced him into rehab; into some clinic where he couldn’t sign himself out? His friends obviously weren’t very concerned if he died alone due to drugs. I understand that it’s easy to say “screw it, I can’t help you anymore,” but that attitude is how Layne ended up where he is today… in the afterlife. Kind of makes you think twice before doing drugs.
Anyway, on to happier thoughts. I was fiddling around in the old garage the other night, wondering what I could do to pass the time. Well hello! To make a long story very short, I found some great new ways you can get high, without having to buy illegal substances ! All you need are some handy household products and BAM, Fear and Loathing… all over again!
Way #1: Got a pet? Great, you’re halfway there already. Cats and dogs have great stomachs for swabbing, so go ahead, take a lick, right along the middle of the belly. Make sure you get that area with no fur on it, the place they always scratch. It’s kind of like taking acid if you do it enough! After a half hour I was whacked out, convulsing on the floor and throwing up. My cat looked at me as if to say “whoa!” This has similar effects to sniffing those markers as a kid—which brings me to my next point…
Way #2: Eat uncooked, raw meats and wilted vegetables. Inducing horribly painful food poisoning is a surefire way to get you all messed up. It’s better than eating some peyote and driving to Canada. Salmonella can give you some wacky hallucinations. And it can make a strong Tom Collins if you can’t make it out of the bathroom.
Way #3: Vice grip your genitals. Watch as the blood circulation gets cut off and makes you light headed and woozy and gives you that much needed “pain” fix. Similar to smoking weed if you get light headed and woozy and like pain fixes.
Way #4: Inhale something out of a bottle, preferably a bottle that has one of those skull and crossbones on it. Paint thinner, car polish, turpentine, gasoline, and even rug cleaner all fall into this category. Just a little dab on a rag and voila! Your head is throbbing like a porn star convention in Utah. Combine this with the vice grip idea and you have yourself a party! Bloody hell!
Now I know these methods are a little “unusual.” And they might carry certain “dangers” and have “long term damages to your body.” But damn the man! You only live once man, rock and roll! Bloody Hell!