I woke to my alarm clock on a brisk 12:01 Saturday. The big day ahead throbbing in my temples, my head still swimming in a cloud of substances from the night before. It felt like a sandwich bag had melted inside my mouth. I reached blindly to the desk below, fumbling around wounded soldiers and my pirate friend—seven-eighths shorter vs. the Good Captain on arrival. My hand finally felt the precious water bottle, and I hauled it up, a boon restored to a decaying wasteland.
I walked down to the rugby field where PACE and the stage crew were setting up the festivities. Most of the fences and walls had not been erected yet, and I was able to walk around unrestricted. Blessid Union of Souls was doing a sound check, so I decided to chill in front of the stage and listen. They played a few of their more well known songs. Then out of the blue they started playing Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody,” and it rocked. It was like a black version of Freddy Mercury belting the words, while the electric guitar emitted the clean classic style of that 70’s decade. This destroyed any preconceptions, and as we all crowded into a van (to minimize wind disturbance), I didn’t feel nervous at all.
I introduced myself. Elliot (lead singer), Brian (lead guitar), Jeff (guitar), Tony (Bass), and Sean (drums) all introduced themselves. Blessid Union of Souls are from and around the vicinity of Cincinnati. When asked how long they’ve been a band, Elliot replied “Seven years and one week.” Brian and Sean (both 24) are the newest members. I asked Blessid Union what they do for fun. Elliot simply answered, “This. I’m serious man.” He continued, “People always wonder: When do you have time for vacation? I’m like… this is vacation.”
I couldn’t help but refer to the chorus from that MTV song: “That ain’t workin’, that’s the way you do it.” Money for nothing baby.
“Seriously, there’s nothing like going out and playing live,” says Elliot. “It’s what we love to do. This is what we do for fun pretty much…and sports.” One of the guys sitting in the back of the van added in, “and Playstation.”
My next question: “While growing up, did you guys feel like music was your destiny?”
They all agreed, and Elliot once again proved he’s the voice of the group. “When nobody knows how to get there you just play in bands until something happens… a spark. So here we are.”
“Who inspires you?” I ask.
Elliot sighted Prince as the main reason for becoming an entertainer. “When I started getting into him, seeing how tight his band always was. I was like: This is cool. This would be cool to do for a living.”
Then Elliot cited Freddy Mercury and Queen as another great influence, and I couldn’t help but comment on their awesome rendition of “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Then I noticed one of the guys (Sean I think) wearing a Trojan brand condom baseball hat. Naturally I asked them: “Do you do commercials?” They said no.
For some reason, I felt it necessary to bring up the paradox that is Trojan Brand Condoms. The condom is supposed to hold in all of the little guys, to prevent a breaching into certain areas. Why would they name a condom Trojan, referring to a vessel (the horse) that was constructed to slip by the defenses and let all the little solders in to run rampant and do as they please? Answer me that, corporate prophylactic machine? But, at the same time, the Trojans did get screwed…
Elliot saw my point, adding, “It reminds me of Columbus Day, where we celebrate and condone the raping and pillaging Columbus’ mission brought to the native people. It’s ironic.”
They had to get back to their hotel, so I snuck in one last doozy of a question. “You seem like a very spiritual band. How deep does you faith go and are you affiliated with any certain religious communities?”
“I think everybody has different viewpoints as far as that.” Elliot continues, saying, “The first album that we did was really spiritual. It’s like we weren’t trying to preach to people but at the same time try to tell people about God. That’s just the way a lot of the songs came out, you know, accidentally on purpose. A lot of us get inspired by that.”
I thanked Blessid Union for their time, and went for a walk on the rugby field to see how things were setting up. Now it was around four or five. The sun was beginning to touch the tree line and the wind was noticeably more chilly. Some vans pulled up, so I went over to investigate. Contraption jumped out of the van and I immediately introduced myself, saying I was already a fan of their versatile sound and explaining my intentions of interviewing them. The guys from Contraption were cool from the very beginning. They told me they’d put some time aside for me after sound check. “Sweet,” I said. MORE WAITING. At least I could listen to cool live music.
They jammed, occasionally taking short intermissions to tell the sound guys to tweak something. Afterwards, we packed into the van like sardines. Contraption’s members are Jay (guitar/vocals), Todd (keys/vocals), Dan (bass/vocals), and Mike (drums/percussion). My interview quickly turned into a giant discussion about bull, when I asked how they got this gig. “Frenna Frenna,” said Todd.
“Frenna Frenna?” said I, incredulously.
“Frenna Frenna called. We posted bail for him and picked him up. He asked me to bring all the crystal meth back to California. When I got it there, Pablo told me about the gig. We’re doing it for free, but we’re not.”
“Did you get the guns?”
Todd got a mean defensive look on his face. “What are you talking about? Do you think I’m a criminal? No guns.”
“Sorry…what do you guys do for fun?”
Dan quickly answered, “Group water-skiing.”
Then Todd added, “We all go behind the boat at the same time. We don’t touch.”
“That’s good.” I said.
Then Mike said, “Birdwatching, particularly the yellow belly sap sucker.”
Then they began talking about videogames, naming Exitebike 64 and GoldenEye. I asked them if they had ever tried Return to Castle Wolfenstein, stating it’s one of the tightest first person shooters ever. Todd said to me frankly, “You kinda look like a wolf.”
I laughed in all my big-haired-unshaven-for-days glory. “One of my buddies calls me wolfman.”
“Yeah,” Jay added. “We like you because you look like a wolfman.”
With that out of the way, I went on to my next question. “What’s the most screwed up thing that’s ever happened to you on the road?”
Todd shouts, “Somebody just asked us this question.” Then the entire band went on to dictate the following story. One night in a cheap motel in Buffalo, Todd was wasted while trying to dial 411 (to get the number of a Strip Club) and he dialed 911 by accident, asking the emergency lady for directions. “As we were walking out to go to the strip club, we walk out to a whole bunch of cops and paddywagons.” As it turned out the cops were great lovers of jazz and fusion. “We started talking shit about it. Next thing you know they have a CD.” The cops gave them copies, and directions to the club.
“You met up with them there?” I asked.
“No, no,” Todd said. “That’s a different story. Actually that wasn’t the weirdest thing.” He asks his friends: “What was the weirdest thing?”
Out of nowhere someone said, “Painted Hookers.”
“That sounds interesting…” I mused.
A band member who wishes to remain anonymous speaks, “You know what it’s like when you’re on the road and lonely, and you just can’t get laid… it doesn’t matter what you do. You could have the most golden lines… lines that shine when they come out of your mouth. Nothing. So we picked up six painted women… and they wouldn’t f**k us either. You gonna print that? That story was actually a fabrication. Don’t print that.”
“That’s funny, though,” I insisted. “People will think you’re cool if I put that in the paper. Don’t worry, I won’t put anything in the paper that will make you look like assholes.”
“Ok.”
“Cool.”
“Thanks.”
I then asked them a serious question: Who inspires you?
Answers ranged from Frank Zappa to Mr. Bungle, Steely Dan, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Gary Carter, Darryl Strawberry, Noel Adams, Linda Worthheimer, Robert Seigel, Garrison Keillor, Chick Corea. Todd said, “Mario Cuomo inspires me. NPR inspires me. Everyone should listen to NPR and listen to Me and Mario. It’s on Sunday nights.”
“One last question. While growing up, did you guys know music was your calling. Was it your destiny to play music?”
Todd spoke for the band when he answered. “Absaphuckinlootly.”
Mike tells the story of Contraption’s conception. “I grew up with Dan and Jay back in Jersy. We all went off to college. I met Todd freshmen year in Vermont and me and him had been playing for a couple of years. After five years of being away from my childhood friends we all got back together and made Contraption.” In their career they’ve played with Phishman (from Phish), Pork Tornado, The Samples, Rustic Overtones, and Rick Reddington.
I thanked them and we parted ways. Todd had to take a shower so the whole crew went back to the hotel. Sponge had not arrived yet, so I grabbed some dinner from the kind folks from Sodexho. They had a cute little tent and three exotic meal types. I took the veggie meal deal (marinated veggies stir-fried and slopped in a pita) and continued to scarf it down.
It was dusk now. I hiked back to my dorm to put on some warmer clothes in preparation for a long night of nomadically roaming Plymouth’s streets in a potentially destructive judgmentally impaired hoard of belligerence. Alcohol is a nice drug. Weed is the devil.
After changing, I hung outside my dorm with some chums, waiting for the rest of the crew to come outside. As I leaned on the railing, I began to feel slightly disoriented. This apprehensive sensation was brushed off as we began our trek down to the festivities. I had too many unchecked boxes on my agenda to worry about getting sick, but as we came closer and closer to Spring Fling central, the uneasy feeling of splattering destiny grew more and more into a acidic chunky reality.
I now knew my fate was unavoidable. Refusing to stick my head in a Port-a-Potty hole, I went to the gas station’s restroom and locked the door for a little “me time.” How friggin’ pathetic was this situation: praying to the porcelain god on Spring Fling and I’m sober. SOBER! Oh, the irony of it all…
Whether Sodexho is at fault I will not debate. Even though I felt perfectly healthy before dinner, my own inner working had been taking a beating for the past few days, therefore the fault could have lain with my own miserable bowels. So I will not point any fingers.
*coughsodexhocough*
After seeing the entire contents of my stomach in a toilet bowl, I washed my face and gargled some vile tapwater. The clerk gave me a weird look of dismissive concern as I left the bathroom. Icebreakers gum became my new best friend as I walked back to the Rugby field, shaken, not stirred. My friends, whom had heard already where I went and why, asked if I was feeling alright.
“F**k no” was my terse reply. The wind was running me through with giant frozen spears. Screw the interview (sorry Sponge), screw Spring Fling; I felt like a bag of diarrhea that had been gang initiated, and I was going to my room to sleep.
This being my final contribution to The Clock this year, I would like to say a few things. Joining The Clock was the best thing I’ve ever done in my life, period. I’ve only been a staff writer for one school year and already so many doors have opened up to me. Rob Masse has been a great influence and an excellent editor who has made PSC’s student newspaper something to be really proud of. Big thanks to him and to the rest of my friends at The Clock. This year has truly been special and I can’t wait to be back next year.