Wazzzzup everybody. Summer is right around the corner, which means soon-to-be college graduates will be looking for mediocre jobs after finding out the job market doesn’t care about their future one iota. So with a bleak, immediate future ahead of me, I took it upon myself to set my own destiny and go look for some jobs. Now these jobs might not be wonderful or fulfill any romantic idea I had about being all set up with different insurance’s a year after graduating, but they do have the potential to lead to other exciting venues in my upcoming years. In other words, start at the bottom, work my way up until I’m da man! The following jobs are all under consideration and have been applied for:
Pizza Dough Masseuse: $7.25 an hour. All I would have to do is massage pizza dough at a local pizza place until it was silky smooth and ready for sauce loving. I would get to work on my finger skills for rubbing, which would pay off in the immediate future. The only trade off? I have to get videotaped by the head cook rubbing the dough, for some reason. I also get a free subscription to any snuff magazine I want, as well as free Pizza Today issues.
Scab Picker: $8.50 an hour. Picking the scabs off other people’s bodies. Hey with some warm water and a few one liners, this might not be so bad. The major benefits include being able to keep all the scabs you pick, meaning I can finally top my stepbrother’s massive scab collection he started back in ’83.
Grave Digger, for cats: $6.75 an hour. This would be a depressing job because I love cats, especially when their heads are buried underneath a set of pillows. Don’t worry the cats are almost dead when we go to bury them. And we only bury evil cats, like the one that lives next door to me and drives my cat crazy with rage/excitement, or any cat owned by someone evil. (Think Tipper Gore).
Homeless art guy: $.30 an hour. I would just play guitar on the side of the road and panhandle people for change. I got the idea when I went to Burlington. Hey, if worthless street grime can make bank, then so should I! No benefits, but you do get to chase people who give you small tips and kick them in the jimmy. And that’s always fun!
Sketchy cable installation guy: Wage unknown. If any of you have ever had cable installation from the local office here, than you know what I’m talking about. Monthly bonuses for being “extra” sketchy. Stock bonuses if you sexually assault a client.
Vanilla Ice impersonator: Minimum wage. “Alright stop, collaborate and listen. Ice is back with my brand new addition. Something grab a hold of me tightly, something, something, something, daily and nightly”. Perfect! The iceman is back, baby!
MC Hammer impersonator: Minimum wage. All I have to do is get the glasses. I still have those airplane pants in my closet, secretly hoping that one day I would be able to wipe the dust off them and shine in the basking glow of Too Legit to Quit. My time has come, oh yes.
Dog abuser: $9.75 an hour. I’m not really sure what baggage this job has with it, but it was in the Penny Saver and pays pretty well. And I even get to stay at a kennel while I work there. Damn, give me the shock stick and lets get too it.
And finally,
Celebrity Stalker: No pay, just the enjoyment of peering through a famous person’s window. I’m not really sure why this was advertised, but if it’s in a newspaper, it must be true. I think I’ll stalk Ashley Judd. She’s hot, and she has a balcony that’s really easy to climb. If that doesn’t work out, I’ll probably just pick a fellow Clock writer just to make things easy on myself. Say, doesn’t Brian Simpson live in Portland?