I often wonder what it’s like to be effortless. To not have to put real, conscious effort into everything I do. Every morning I pause and tell myself, “Okay. Let me put my sneakers on, spray some perfume, lock up the room, walk to my car, and drive to go pick up my buddy to go get Dunkin.” I always need to plan my next move. I allow myself the illusion of actually knowing what I’m doing and being in control.
I always need to rehearse my words in my head at least once before I speak. Ordering food at restaurants, returning phone calls, even face-to-face conversations. When I write, I first need to brainstorm, and then write and rewrite until I’m sure it’s an accurate representation of what I can do with my skills. I need to mentally prepare myself every morning, before I can go out into the world and talk to people. I find myself rehearsing how I think my interactions with people will play out, just so I can go into the situation with an idea of what will happen.
If I let myself go into autopilot, all hell breaks loose. I walk several minutes in the wrong direction, I put my shirt on backwards, I speak too bluntly, I get tunnel vision, if I’m writing, I forget how to spell.
Anxiety be like that sometimes. Everything happens so much.
When my head hits my pillow after a long day, I’m exhausted. Despite all my e ort, all I can think about is all the tiny mistakes I made. I rethink things I’ve said to people. Did I come across as rude? Does that person think less of me now? It consumes my mind, and all I can do to distract myself is watch some Vine compilations or maybe a Netflix movie, until my eyes get heavy and I drift o to sleep.
But then I wake up to a text from my buddy asking to hang out and grab some coffee. So it’s better.
It’s okay to be anxious. It’s fine if you're a complete mess more often than not. It means you’re compelled to try your best all the time; that’s a lot more than most people can say. Real friends will understand you and appreciate all your effort. Surrounding yourself with warm and kind people takes away some of the pressure. Don’t feel bad for being messy. Deep down, it’s simply because you care.