The administration announced Tuesday, April 2, that the 2002 graduation ceremonies have been postponed one week due to amount of school hours missed due to inclement weather this season.
The cancelled school days along with collected hours of curtailed operations over spring break and winterim have led the administration of the college to move the date of commencement from May 18 to May 25.
Part of the decision to move graduation is due to the irregular weather patterns common to New Hampshire. “The weather just doesn’t make sense,” says Paul Dyanni, who was planning to attend graduation and as many free barbecues as possible. “I was ready for graduation back in January, then it snowed, warmed up, and snowed again. It started making my head bleed.”
When asked at a recent press conference about recent weather conditions God responded by saying, “This weather was a test. You people will pray for anything, so I just wanted to see how many of you would pray for nice weather. And, boy, was I on to something.”
God went on to say that only New Hampshire receives such unpredictable weather because it is “a funny looking state” that he always wanted to play with.
Although the days of canceled classes left many cheering into room-temperature cans of Natty Light, the graduation push has led several seniors to revolt against the new date and hold their own private ceremony in an abandoned parking lot. “They can’t keep us from graduating,” said one senior in charge of finding the parking lot. When told that the school actually can keep him from graduating he revoked his comment then passed out from confusion.
Similar symptoms have spread to many other seniors throughout the college, making people pass out on a weekly basis. Doctors have researched this current phenomenon and claim that the confusion over graduation dates have nothing to do with people passing out since it has been happening regularly since prohibition was abolished. However, the National Secretary of Passing Out has argued saying, “I have no doubt in my mind that…” and fell over.
The change in graduation date undoubtedly angered many graduating seniors upon notification in one of the ten daily mass-emails they get from the school. However, the message failed to mention that aside from the new date, a fee has been added to graduation to cover the cost of the field it takes place in. the original graduation was scheduled to be held on the fields at the P.E. Center, but the new date and weather conditions require that the ceremony be moved three inches to the left, occupying an extra space that the college has decided to rent from itself. The charge to attend graduation will be $62.40 per person to help cover the cost, along with the saved money that came from canceling the band. This has outraged many people across campus, especially graduates like Bob. “There’s no way I’m going to pay to go to graduation. I didn’t pay to get my degree.” Moments later, Bob realized he was a complete moron and vowed to never speak again.
Students interested in joining the protest to hold graduation at the regularly scheduled time regardless of the snow cancellations are encouraged to wait in the empty parking lot until the date is changed back to normal. Weather for the new graduation day is expected to be windy with heavy snow, fire and brimstone, highs in the mid 80’s lows in the depth of all cold temperatures.