A Vignette of Viscious Valentine Vengence

Today is Valentine’s Day, and while some will adorn their better halves with roses and chocolate, others will boil in protest of romantic love to counter their current, or tragically ongoing, lack of it. Stemming from both Christian and ancient Roman traditions, this exalted day of romance is in remembrance of slightly darker times—not the Hallmark claimed state we see before us.

According to legend, Valentine was a priest who performed illegal marriages. During his time single men were not allowed to marry because they were considered stronger warriors. Valentine recognized the absurdity of such a law and still performed marriages in secret. He was beheaded. Yet, in celebration, we used to send cut-out valentines with He-Man and Looney Tunes on them to our pre-self awareness peers, and now we don our finest, dine with style and have obligatory spending contests.

Regardless of history or financial burden, couples still stare at each other longingly and use the day to express their love. Others look on with distaste, or even hatred, and wonder how they can destroy the visualized bliss. The first solution is to ignore the young lovers and take advantage of Valentine’s Day specials. If a trough of individually wrapped chocolates doesn’t fit your fancy you can always head to the local food establishments for deals on meals for couples. Granted, the individual doesn’t benefit greatly from couples’ deals, since many restaurants apparently discriminate against the relationship challenged. However, you and your single friends can team together in a large group and get deals for everyone. If they try to turn you away just claim that you’re all polygamous and looking for a burger before some lovin’.

But some people can’t satiate their appetites with fifteen percent off heart-shaped pancakes. In that case, a little vengeance goes a long way. Pick a couple that really stands out and are nauseatingly together. You can easily create instant turmoil by buying a home-pregnancy test and casually leaving it among their things to find. If possible, try to make it read positive and watch the barrage of odious questions build a cold wall of abstinence between them.

If your roommate is the target of your anti-love aggression the methods of attack are limitless. While stealing his or her partner may indeed pique the vengeance quotient you’re looking for, simple interruptions to inevitable romantic encounters should suffice to end the pet-name calling. When the two thirsting lovers begin their romp, admit your presence from your beneath-the-covers hiding spot by coughing, a lot. This should end their evening watching the Superstation marathon of Sleepless in Seattle. But, if you want to keep your attacks anonymous, put in a call to your roommate’s mother urging her to call because the said aficionado is in need of parental support. Mom’s voice should inflict certain temporary celibacy.

Part of the torment that singleton’s suffer from on Valentine’s Day doesn’t come from the sight of others. Instead, their affliction may be caused by the lack of something, be it romance, satisfaction, or just a quick fling. For these unfortunate souls the miracle drug isn’t a case of Zoloft. Nope, as it turns out, chocolate is the lonely person’s cure-all. It has been theorized, because no maverick exists to prove it, that twenty-three pounds of chocolate contains the necessary “love” chemical to bring a person to orgasm. Twenty-three pounds could kill you, but if you’ve got to go, why not go swallowing a gallon of Hersey’s‚ and a series of muscular contractions (eight sneezes of muscular contractions)?

Now, the happy couples may be barking at these words, claiming unfairness and wondering what you will do to shake things up. Keep in mind that your retaliation exists in the concept that they can share a hot tub with someone with little to no effort, other than simply asking. But public displays of affection and constant interrogation into their single friends’ love lives should retain enough torture to spread around.

But Valentine’s Day isn’t about breaking people down and inflicting emotional pain, despite the dark history, unless you’re into that kind of thing. Valentine was guy who broke the rules to keep people loving each other. By this understanding, chocolate is the new Valentine and we, as celebrators, owe the patron saint a good-sized party where we give ourselves, coupled or not, to love and leave the evil-minded vengeance (well, a little fun is okay) and expensive trinkets behind us.