The future is uncertain. The obvious move is to get a job, maybe start a family, and overall become a functional member of society. But it’s not so straightforward as it seemed just a short while ago. A job in my field is not guaranteed. And even though I’m 23, I feel as though I’m a child masquerading as an adult. I’m someone who is barely able to fend for myself, god forbid a child. It’s as though I’m being thrust into a role that I’m not prepared for.

But I want to be excited! I want to go boldly into the unknown. But instead of a bright future, it’s like I’m being shoved into a black hole. I’m afraid that when I am on my own I’ll falter and fall apart. If I had one wish, I would see five years into the future to see how my life will turn out. This fear comes from my history of depression, and the year I lost to it when I graduated high school. Without the safety net of college, the steadiness of my schedule, and the support of my friends, I am afraid it will happen again.

This time in my life is supposed to be exciting, but it is anything but. It will come anyway, as all things do, but when I say my tearful goodbyes to those I’ve grown close too, it will mostly be out of true sadness rather than bittersweet joy. Is that wrong of me? Am I an outlier when it comes to my feelings? Objectively I know that I’m not, but when those around me are excitedly talking about the future, I cannot relate.

In a little over three weeks I will walk out of my last class at PSU and drive away. In May I will walk to officially get my diploma and then I will leave PSU behind me. Maybe by then my feelings will change and the future will be an exciting prospect. I can only have faith that it will. Until then, the feelings of inexplicable loss will simply have to be enough.

Kelsey Davis