Big. Meaty. Claws.

Did your mother ever tell you “don’t play with your food?” Mine did. I never listened. When we were at seafood restaurants with my extended family, I would sometimes order the lobster. Not because I like lobster. Oh no, I very much do not like lobster. I just liked to pose them and scare my sister by giving them knives to hold. I’m not lying. I curse the children who have iPhones and iPads and all the other Steve Jobs devices to entertain themselves. Because by golly, I had goddamn lobsters. That was it.

Now, one fateful day last week, I was scrolling through Facebook only to find a lobster meme. Specifically, a meme of a lobster holding a pencil that had the caption “Do you even lift?” Which by no stretch of the imagination should be funny. Yet, just like the Washingtub memes from last time, is hilarious for some reason.

Figure 1 [COURTESY PHOTO]

So, I decided to delve into the glorious, buttery pits of lobster memes. Let’s go on a short journey and observe this crustacean sensation.

There are the fun memes of lobsters getting in way over their heads. There’s one where a lobster is about to get lobotomized by Gordon Ramsay or some other pompous, lobster-hating chef. Poor Larry was misled and thought the rubber bands around his claws were for cancer awareness. Sadly, he was wrong and found himself defenseless. Happily, this lobster likely delivered a young Nicholas A. Prescott entertainment for at least a full five minutes.

Figure 2 [COURTESY PHOTO]

While looking at lobster memes, I discovered a terrible malady plaguing mankind. Yes. It’s lobsters. But not how you think. No, people are turning into lobsters. I know, sounds crazy, but these flyers I keep finding on the internet reference people’s loved ones exhibiting symptoms like “alluring cephalothorax,” “abnormal tastiness,” and being “red,” so it must be true. Worst part is that these symptoms take over so fast, people don’t even have time to report to their nearest hospitals for treatment before they’re completely transformed and taken to Hannaford’s with the rest of their exoskeleton-ed brethren.

Figure 3 [COURTESY PHOTO] 

Just remember, if you or a loved has been diagnosed with being a lobster, you may be entitled to financial compensation.