Fiction--If Only
If Only
Jessica Bowman
For the Clock
jasmith1@plymouth.edu
At my college there was a sort of Zen garden. It was tiny and only sat about five feet in each direction. It was a circle maze of flat stones. The plaque beside it read that its purpose was to go on a journey through the maze and find peace in the middle. My roommate and I joked in a sarcastic pessimistic way. I silently hoped it would provide what it said it did. We walked the maze. I'm not sure what I expected, something big? Some sort of revelation that would change my life for the better. Nothing came of it and we walked off like we came in. Sarcastic and mocking. A year later I look back at it under a moonless starless night and think, “If only.”
I wonder often if my roommate felt the same thing. In the tumul tuous course of our lives I imagine she must have felt that a lot. Kayla never liked sharing her life though. Doing so would mean spilling forth every one of the dark reasons that lead to her self-mutilation. And of course then she would hear the ‘I’m sorry’s and the pity talks. She would worry her mind with the idea that none of the people around her actually cared for her after she revealed her beaten past to them. That they only pitied her. And wanted her to feel welcome but didn’t really want to welcome her. I of course knew this. But it wasn’t until the first nine weeks of college that I understood exactly what she meant and how even I had contributed to this cesspool of pitying people.
In all honesty there could have been quite a lot of experiences that drove me and Kayla to the decisions we made. Perspective is a matter of the mind and one can connect a seemingly remote experience to the worst memory of their childhood quite easily. Never will I be able to claim I had been through the hard times that Kayla tried so hard to hide from the world. Often though I have wished I had that privilege. Privilege...Can it even be called that? It’s a curse, Kayla knew that. But how ironic it was that the zen garden provided the exact opposite of what it was supposed to. Not a way out of our troubles but instead the reason that reminds us why we wish it had worked in the first place. A way to laugh about them maybe? But all in all definitely a reminder.
Get Top Stories Delivered Weekly
More theclockonline News Articles
- Campton Elementary School 8th Grade Silent Auction & Spaghetti Dinner
- Student Spotlight: Sabrina Siegel
- Ghost Hunt With PSU Paranormal Research Club
- Steve Irwin: How He Brought Us Together
Recent theclockonline News Articles
Discuss This Article
MOST POPULAR THECLOCKONLINE
Campton Elementary School 8th Grade Silent Auction & Spaghetti Dinner By Rebecca Tgibedes
Will You? By Isabelle Elsasser
Summer in the Sunflowers By Emily Holleran
Student Spotlight: Sabrina Siegel By Justine Walsh
GET TOP STORIES DELIVERED WEEKLY
FOLLOW OUR NEWSPAPER
LATEST THECLOCKONLINE NEWS
RECENT THECLOCKONLINE CLASSIFIEDS
OUTSIDE THE LINES
- Moving Resources For Military Families
- Historic Agreement Signed By Red Cross and Armed Forces
- Salonpas® Brand Stands the Test of Time
- Tips to “Yard Your Way” This Spring
- Upgraded Upstate Power Grid Will Deliver a Smarter,...
- A Story To Sing About
- The Gap in Gum Care: Why Caring For Your Teeth’s F...
- Top Tips for Signature Scents and Better-Smelling Laundry
- A Dog Trainer’s Top Tips to Support Pets Through Life S...
- Clear the Air of Indoor Pollutants This Spring
FROM AROUND THE WEB
- Moms Kick Back with Mamaritas
- Youth Apprenticeship Week Spotlights Opportunities
- New Expo Showcases AI Innovation
- Self-Care and Mental Health Tips for Caregivers
- Adventure Awaits: Discover the Playset that Brings...
- Need Auto Glass Repair? Don’t Despair
- Pioneering Fast and Affordable Broadband for the Underserved
- 7 Reasons Renting an RV Should Be On Every Family’s S...
- Don’t Let Diabetes Shortchange Your Golden Years
- No Child is Forgotten By Marine Toys for Tots
COLLEGE PRESS RELEASES
- Guidenar Launches New Career Test for Gen Z
- GotIt! Education Offers MathGPT Free to All State & Community Colleges
- Shoff Promotions Comic Book & Sports Card Show
- Semiconductor Research Corp unveils 2024 Research Call, $13.8M Funding
- Charles River Associates Opens Second Scholarship Cycle, Expands to the UK